Breaking The Mold Page 9

  “No, why?” I asked and quickly walked to my desk and logged in.

  “I think I know what came up, Aims.”

  I looked at his most recent uploads and a guy who had been flogged and caned came up. All I could do was stare. These were uploaded that night when he said he couldn’t talk. Tears welled in my eyes because all I could think of was that I wasn’t good enough for him.

  “That’s not that guy he’s obsessed with, is it?”

  I leaned forward looking for that guy’s scar. I didn’t see it and sniffled.

  “Aw, Aims. Amy Johnson Andrews, are you crying?”

  I laughed through my tears when she called me by my legal name and pen name.

  “Amy, don’t cry.”

  “I won’t be enough for him,” I cried.

  “Aims, you are good enough.”

  “Yeah, I think we know what came up. He needed something else…someone else.”

  “No, not necessarily. I mean…so he uploaded new pictures. Maybe they’re not from that night.” I considered her theory. “He said something came up, trust him. He hasn’t lied to you yet.”

  Samantha was right. He hasn’t lied to me.

  “I mean, yeah he kind of creepily stalked you at numerous book events, across the country.” I laughed at her playful voice as she made me feel better. “But he’s never lied to you.”

  “I know. You’re right. But, what if –”

  “Amy, the man would travel hours just to see you across the room.”

  Samantha was right. He traveled across the country to see me. We have something special…I’m just not certain what.

  It was Sunday when J.P. and I got on the phone with one another. The verbal distance was driving me crazy. It also had me on high alert as to what, if anything, was being uploaded onto Kinky Links. I thought that maybe we were out of the woods regarding pictures, but Saturday night brought a fresh set of pictures.

  As I spent some time looking at the wounds and marks on each new picture, doubt found its way into my mind. The reality of this was that I obviously was not enough.

  “Hi,” I said into the phone.

  It was awkward at first and I felt like I was talking to a stranger.

  “I’m worried, J.P.”

  “I’m sorry, princess for the distance. Something happened last week, and I haven’t felt like talking about it.”

  “So, you don’t want to talk to me about it, but you run to Irons to beat on someone?”

  My heart was pounding as I bravely announced my observation.

  “Amy, you know I don’t play angry. You need to settle down.”

  “Settle down? J.P., you tell me that I matter and you check in on me and look after me from a different state. I get a sense of being wanted by that, and then suddenly you drop off the face of the earth and cite that ‘something came up’. The next thing I know is pictures pop up online of two beaten bodies. So, at this point, I really don’t know what’s going on,” I ranted as I paced.

  There. I threw everything out there. He was quiet, and the silence gave me the courage to continue firing my mouth off.

  “I’m not one of your spineless—”

  “Stop Amy. NO ONE that steps into a dungeon cell with me is spineless. Not a one.”

  I sat down and took a deep breath. He was right, and I knew better.

  “I’m sorry, J.P.”

  “Spineless doesn’t do a thing for me, Amy. There’s no challenge to me for someone who isn’t mentally tough. You know this.”

  I sighed. I have learned since the start of our friendship that J.P. is quick and likes smart women. He doesn’t search for doormat personalities.

  “There’s a disconnect between us right now, and I accept responsibility for that, but I will not tolerate a verbal attack on anyone that I’ve played with. Don’t let your insecurities cause your mouth to run about my prior play partners. Every single one of them is respected, and they embody strength.”

  I felt horrible and didn’t even know what to say. Instead of feeling in control of the conversation, within seconds the tables had been flipped, and he calmly took control.

  Was I jealous of the fact that he’s still playing at Irons? Sort of. I wanted to be those people. I wanted to be enough for him. My silence prompted him to start talking again.

  “We’ve talked about this, Amy, and are in agreement that there are certain times when I need to be rough.”

  “I want to be what you need,” I confessed. “Why can’t you do that rough stuff to me?”

  “Amy, go look at those pictures again and think very hard about what you’re touting that you want. That young man that I took the cane to missed two days of his university classes because he couldn’t walk without hurting. And trust me, I want to do things to you that I’m not sure you can handle yet.”

  Yet. He said yet. Yet means he wants to get me to that point so I could take what he needed to give out.

  “For your next few visits, we will go to the club, and you can be there to watch me in a heavy scene. I want you to really see what you say you want. Because, I can dish it out, princess, but I need you to be able to walk away from it unharmed.”

  “Okay, thank you.”

  “Now, moving on. Last week I found out my brother’s cancer is back. He needs to have surgery and my oldest brother and I had to work on figuring out the finances for the surgery. I’m sorry that I was distant and aloof, but I needed time to handle it.”

  “What? Oh, God, I’m so sorry. If I had known—”

  “If you had known, you would have acted how society tells you to act in these situations. You would have said you were sorry and walked on eggshells around me.”

  “I would have understood your need for the scenes at Irons, and I wouldn’t have mouthed off about nothing more than you having a need met.”

  “Either way, it was still a need. The reasoning behind it was irrelevant.”

  I tried to absorb and understand this.

  A need was still a need…the reasoning behind it is irrelevant.

  I leaned back against the cushions of the couch as I listened to him talk about his brother. His brother had lung cancer and needed to have surgery to remove part of a lobe in the affected lung. The recovery time wasn’t known yet for him.

  We talked for another hour about his brother, and by the time we got off the phone, I felt closer to J.P. I felt like we were okay and I could see the vision that he had for us. He wanted me to get to that place that he needs, but he’d be patient. He said it’s crucial that we don’t rush my progress.

  I could handle it.

  I wanted this.

  Chapter Ten

  September 2011

  J.P.

  As Johnny’s surgery neared, I found myself actually at Irons less and less and on the phone more with Amy. While we rarely talked about Johnny, I was relying on the companionship to help distract me.

  Tonight was my night to be a back-up Dungeon Monitor, so I roamed around the main floor, talked to guests and checked different areas to see if I was needed. For now, it looked like the coverage was adequate. I spotted Matt sitting outside by the pool and decided to go pick his brain for a bit.

  As I walked outside, I glanced around and didn’t see Anthony or that fucking Everett. They were probably off fucking some girl in the dungeon. I sat down on a patio chair near Matt and noticed he was watching some girls swimming in the pool. Matt didn’t say anything when I sat down, so after a moment or two, I cleared my throat.

  “May I talk to you for a minute, Matt?” I asked him.

  He turned to look at me, and an expression of confusion was apparent.

  “Sure.”

  I wasn’t sure exactly how to start. I looked around to make sure no one was within earshot.

  “Can you keep this between us?”

  More confusion and a frown appeared. I had a feeling that if I didn’t start explaining, he’d get up and leave.

  “I know you’re best friends with Everett and
Graves—”

  “That’s right. So if this is something snide about either of them, you’re going to lose my attention quickly.”

  Jesus. What the fuck is it about people being so fucking loyal to Everett and Graves?

  “No, it’s not about them.” I paused and studied the water lapping over the edge while the naked girls screeched and giggled in the pool. “My brother has lung cancer, and he’s having surgery in a few days.”

  Matt sat up and turned to face me to listen.

  “I’m wondering if you know much about lobectomy surgery.”

  His eyes began moving from side to side, and he spewed out some basic info that I’ve already read about.

  “Where is he having the procedure?”

  “Oakland. He lives up there.”

  Matt nodded and spoke further about recovery and such.

  “I’m sorry, Paul. Oncology isn’t my specialty. I have a general practice with a few other doctors but still maintain shifts in the emergency room a few nights a week.”

  I nodded and thanked him for his time before standing up. I was going to make one last round through the club before calling it a night. The dungeon was alive with tantalizing sights and sounds. There was a small crowd gathered in front of a cell, and as I neared it, I could hear Everett’s voice.

  The girl was suspended by rope...which I knew was the work of Graves. Everett wasn’t into rigging, Graves was the one with that talent. At a waist level height, the sub was able to suck on Everett while Graves was down on one knee with his face buried in her pussy. As he devoured her, he flicked a crop upward, spanking her nipples with it.

  The woman’s moans of pleasure filled the dungeon hall as the onlookers watched. Anytime these two co-topped, people gathered to watch if it was possible to get a good vantage point. Me included, though I always tried blocking Everett out. I couldn’t stand watching him in a dungeon cell with Graves.

  That night, the need to connect with Graves was so great that it pulled me out of bed. I pulled over my tablet and began another email.

  Graves,

  Nice scene tonight. Your rope work was spot on. You gave the audience quite the show. Remember, it’s an open invite for you to step into the cell with me. I can help with that ache you have.

  -Paul

  I read it a few times before attaching the delivery and read receipt notifications then sending it. I spent another half hour looking at my “not mine yet” album on Kinky Links until I was so hard I had to jack off.

  Shaking my head, I gazed at the images.

  “You have no idea what you’re missing,” I said out loud.

  “Princess, I know you were looking forward to visiting next weekend but with Johnny’s surgery in a few days, I think I need to concentrate on him,” I said into the phone.

  “I understand, J.P. Please don’t worry about my visit. We will arrange one once you’re back in town.”

  I planned on flying up to Oakland to stay with him for a few days. Due to my quick trip to Oakland, Amy and I postponed our visit until things were calm again with my brother.

  The night before my flight, I checked my email and found a nice surprise. It wasn’t an email from Graves, but rather an email from Matt. He sent me several attachments about the surgery my brother was having and about recovery, testing after surgery and medications.

  After spending hours combing through the information, I sent Matt an email thanking him.

  And still nothing from Graves.

  I paid very close attention to the medications his doctors had him on. With so many doctors managing his care it wouldn’t be uncommon for them to not know what the other one is prescribing. It was in the hands of the pharmacist to catch any possible interactions.

  Jay and I were by his side when the techs came in to get him for the surgery. Johnny looked nervous and asked the techs for a moment to talk to Jay and me.

  “Guys, if I don’t make it—”

  I glanced at Jay and then back at Johnny,

  “Don’t talk like that, Johnny. You’re going to be fine,” Jay said and leaned over to hug Johnny.

  “Yeah, you’re going to make it. We’ll be here when you’re out of surgery,” I said.

  I leaned over and gave my brother a hug. Possibly for the last time.

  “I love you, man. Now, don’t worry. You’ll be fine,” I said and squeezed his thin arms.

  As the techs wheeled Johnny out of the room, I saw tears roll down his face. I concentrated hard on breathing steady and focused on the techs and Johnny’s bed. Jay’s hand clasped my shoulder, and he shook me some. When I looked at him, I saw that he was crying too. I pulled Jay into a hug and reassured him that Johnny would be okay. When we pulled apart, Jay said he needed to call his wife and let her know they took Johnny back. I nodded and walked down the hallway toward the cafeteria.

  With a cup of coffee sitting next to me, I sent Amy a text. She was all I had to turn to. Blake and I used to be close, but that had fallen apart over Graves.

  J.P.: They just took my brother back for surgery. It’ll be at least a few hours and as long as five or six hours.

  Amy: How’s Jay?

  J.P.: He’s upset. His wife will be here as soon as she picks up my nephews and drops them off at a friend’s.

  I sipped the coffee and welcomed the back and forth texts with Amy. When I asked her how the book was coming, I felt like she understood that I needed the distraction of something. Her book was almost done and she thought she’d have it completed in about a week.

  Four and a half hours later, the surgeon came out to tell us that they were able to remove what they believed was the affected portion of the lung and that he was in post-operative care right now. After the surgeon left, I sent a text to Amy and let her know that Johnny was out of surgery.

  While the surgery had gone well and as expected, the recovery time would be extensive. He had to take another leave of absence from work, but I knew that this could only go on for so long. As my brother slept in the hospital bed, Jay and I talked about the reality of Johnny returning to work.

  “He’s not going to be able to work for a while. And he might even need to move in with the boys and us,” Jay said quietly.

  I nodded and stared at my brother sleeping. If Johnny moved in with Jay, it would be a good thing. Jay and his wife would be able to take care of him and ensure he got the care that was needed.

  Financially, it might cause a little strain on Jay and his wife. Since Jay would be taking on the day to day care for Johnny, I volunteered to help with the financial burden. Hospitals are understaffed and overcrowded, so I knew Johnny would be released probably before he was really ready. He would need home health care and rehab for a while. And I would help with this cost.

  As I waited in the airport for my flight home, I couldn’t help but feel powerless. There was nothing I could do for my brother to ensure the cancer doesn’t come back. If I had a lot of money, my brother would have a better shot. Maybe better doctors, or better home health care. My nephews wouldn’t have to share a room so their uncle could have one of their rooms.

  Fucking money.

  It made everything better. Just like my father told us over and over as kids. My brothers never bought into it...but I did. My brothers could preach about how happiness was being surrounded by family and friends. But the second you get sick; your life depended upon how much you have. Money beats illnesses. It sustains health so you can wear that fucking smile with your family.

  Money is everything.

  And I knew a handful of guys that had everything.

  Pushing the weight of my family situation out of my mind, I shifted my thoughts to one of those guys that had everything under the fucking sun…Graves. Opening my email app on my phone, I scrolled for responses to the emails that I’ve sent him. Still nothing. What the fuck was wrong with that guy?

  All I could think about until I boarded was wanting to chain Graves up in the cell and flog him until all that fire erupted in him. Th
en I’d watch him burn and struggle until he begged me to make the pain stop.

  Chapter Eleven

  September 2011

  Amy

  For the entire drive, I went over and over in my head all of the things I wanted to talk to J.P. about this week during my visit. His brother’s recovery had been marred by some troubles, but it seemed like he’s doing better now.

  Dark Spell just wrapped up, and I told Samantha that I needed to take a little break. I really wanted to focus on J.P. and where this will go with him. We both agreed that for this visit, we’d each push a little harder. I want to be everything he needs, but he’s reluctant to push me to see if I could handle it. There’s only one way to find out, and I was ready to find out.

  As usual, J.P. was standing outside waiting for me as I pulled into his driveway. Our embrace felt different this time. J.P. held me closer and more tenderly. As I started to pull out of our embrace, he pulled me close again.

  “Thank you for understanding and being there for me while I was dealing with my brother. It means a lot to me, princess.”

  His words made my eyes water. I nodded and smiled at him and then he smacked my butt.

  “Ready for a wild week, princess?”

  “Yes, very much.”

  “We’ll kick this up a notch and see what you’re ready for,” he said in his sexy voice.

  I followed him inside, and we talked over a glass of wine about this evening. Truth be told, my pussy was aching with need, but I knew I wouldn’t have any relief until later this evening. J.P. said that he wasn’t going to touch me much until after the scene tonight at the club. Tonight, I’d get to witness him in a rough scene. He wanted me to be there to see it firsthand so I could see if I could handle everything he was capable of.